To the editor:

A Citizens Guide to Indiana Division of Forestry Professional Terminology:

“Single tree selection” = “I’ll take this tree, and that tree, this one here, and that one over there, and this one over here, that big one, and that one behind it. Oh, here’s another good one!”

“We encourage biological diversity.” = “Expect more deer, stiltgrass and tulip trees. Pray for oaks and grouse.”

“We practice protection of natural resources.” = “The state forests now belong to the Division of Forestry instead of the citizens of Indiana, according to the wording of our new 2015-2019 forestry plan.”

“Research the effects of forest management on tree regeneration and forest sustainability.” = “We can’t figure out why we can’t grow oaks everywhere, all the time.”

“Cutting timber helps species distribution and tree overcrowding.” = Let’s run all the forest critters out of here and have a bulldozer scrape off every green vestige of forest succession. Then, pray for oaks and grouse.”

“We’re going in and planting after we harvest a site like this.” = “Expect to see new bush honeysuckle, autumn olive, multiflora rose, Japanese knotweed, privit, garlic mustard and especially, Japanese stiltgrass, all brought here by unclean logging trucks and DNR road-building equipment.”

“We’re only harvesting about 60 percent of what we’re growing.” = “The forest is growing in mass only two-fifths as fast as it should.”

We have really good inventory data that supports what we’re doing.” = “We lost most of our important logging records and data in a tragic file fire at Morgan-Monroe headquarters just a few years ago.”

“Two years from now, you won’t even know we were here.” = “Two years after this clear cut, you won’t even know there was a forest here.” (The “two years” mantra is commonly used by forestry officials to ward off evil spirits.)

“Primitive recreation” = “Trying to safely traverse a muddy morass of ruts, erosion and debris in a sloppy forestry cut.”

“There are 140 known pests and pathogens that can be moved from place to place in firewood.” = “We don’t really need new BMPs on trucks transporting large timber or on our own earth-moving equipment. It’s mostly the campers and hikers carrying these things in on their fancy water bottles, dream catchers and cellphones.”

“Land use changes during the last century have left Indiana lacking in young forest habitat.” = “We can’t figure out why we can’t grow oaks everywhere, all the time.”

“Over mature” = “perfectly healthy old oak tree that you must have.”

“Maintaining the current tree species mix will probably take more intensive management than has been done in the past.” = “We’re still having a little bit of trouble trying to figure out why we can’t grow oaks everywhere, all the time.”

“Clear cut” = “hole in the woods without oaks or grouse”

“Wildlife regeneration opening” = “clear cut in the woods without oaks or grouse”

“Even-age management opening” = “wildlife regeneration opening in the woods, still without oaks and grouse”

“Shelterwood” = “Clear-cut all non-oak trees from every successional stage, but leave the occasional oak. Maybe then, new oaks and grouse will spontaneously generate in the increased sunlight everywhere, all of the time.”

This material is humbly translated and presented to you by:

Charlie Cole, Friends of Yellowwood

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