With a presidential campaign looming formidably on the horizon like a mushroom cloud, many of us are understandably anxious and fearful that we may fall victim to the ultimate equipment failure dreaded by men everywhere.

Yes, I’m talking about ED, electile dysfunction: the complete inability to perform satisfactorily your duties as a citizen and consummate your obligations as a voter.

Warning: If you are exposed to a politician for more than four hours, you should consult a physician immediately, preferably a specialist in plain English and a doctor of common sense!

While I can’t explain the physics of it, in layman’s terms, it has something to do with the gusts of hot air emanating from the political windbags filling all the available oxygen with wild accusations, overblown rhetoric and empty promises, coupled with the resulting drop in barometric pressure, which, in turn, causes whatever little cloud of integrity happens to be floating around in the air to be sucked out of the atmosphere and into another solar system, gone forever.

This election campaign, we have enjoyed the privilege of selecting from a few Democratic candidates and about 400 Republican candidates. Lobbyists are lined up with suitcases full of cash, private jets and wild women with very low standards who are willing to spend their time listening to these gasbags prattle on endlessly, pontificating on every issue their speechwriters tell them they firmly believe in with every fiber of their being, at this moment in time — until the speechwriter tells them they believe in something else with every fiber of their being.

Eventually, the politician suffers from fiber overload. As a result, he cannot remember anything that he believes in. I, myself, am

office. All my life I have heard that politicians are shiftless and lazy and never do any real work. I believe that this would suit me to a T, but I do have some questions.

I am lazy, I won’t argue with that, but I’m not sure about shiftlessness.

What is shift?

Is shift everywhere you look, or is it a rare quality possessed by only a few very special persons?

Is there good shift and bad shift?

Is one person’s shift better than another’s?

What, exactly, is the meaning of shiftless? Is it to be lacking or totally out of shift?

If so, then I’m afraid I wouldn’t measure up.

Friends and family alike often tell me that I am completely full of shift!

So, I believe that it is best if I put my political career on hold until I am sure that I am made of the right stuff.

Chris Curtin is a longtime Brown County resident. He can be reached through the newspaper at [email protected].